Welcome to JIV!
Forming and Maintaining Healthier Relationships
Class One Goals:
Social: Establish group norms and begin group bonding
Jewish Learning Content: Understand the meaning of "Chevrutah Study" and its relevance to Jewish learning
Sex Ed Content: Explore what it means to be in relationship to others and define attributes of a healthy relationship
In this Lesson:
Forming Brit Kehilah (Community Norms)
Community agreements are an important piece of the work we are doing to build a successful learning community and learn each other’s Torah. Here are some suggested agreements from LilyFish:
Take Space, Make Space
Elu V'elu - Both/And - Yes, And
The Right to Pee or Peace (to leave at any time for any reason, without people assuming why you've left, and the right to come back)
Listen to understand rather than to respond
You are the expert in your own experience - speak from an "I" place
What's said here stays here, what's learned here leaves - with the exception that LilyFish is a mandated reporter
Disagree with ideas, not people
No mind readers - state your needs
Trust Intent, Tend Impact (oops/ouch) - If you experience harm or are concerned you may have harmed someone else, please reach out to a staff member for support
All questions are good questions
The Creation of Humanity (& Human Sexuality)
Vocab before we begin:
Adam/אָדָם = Earthing, from the root “Adamah” or Earth
Ish/אִישׁ = man
Ishah/אִשָּׁה = woman
Source 1: Genesis 1
27 And G!d created the Earthling in the divine image, creating it in the image of G!d— creating them male and female.
28 G!d blessed them and G!d said to them, “Be fertile and increase, fill the earth and master it; and rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, and all the living things that creep on earth.”
וַיִּבְרָ֨א אֱלֹהִ֤ים ׀ אֶת־הָֽאָדָם֙ בְּצַלְמ֔וֹ בְּצֶ֥לֶם אֱלֹהִ֖ים בָּרָ֣א אֹת֑וֹ זָכָ֥ר וּנְקֵבָ֖ה בָּרָ֥א אֹתָֽם׃
וַיְבָ֣רֶךְ אֹתָם֮ אֱלֹהִים֒ וַיֹּ֨אמֶר לָהֶ֜ם אֱלֹהִ֗ים פְּר֥וּ וּרְב֛וּ וּמִלְא֥וּ אֶת־הָאָ֖רֶץ וְכִבְשֻׁ֑הָ וּרְד֞וּ בִּדְגַ֤ת הַיָּם֙ וּבְע֣וֹף הַשָּׁמַ֔יִם וּבְכׇל־חַיָּ֖ה הָֽרֹמֶ֥שֶׂת עַל־הָאָֽרֶץ׃
Source 2: Genesis 2
18 HaShem said, “It is not good for the Earthling to be alone; I will make a fitting counterpart for it.”
20 … No fitting counterpart for the Earthling was found.
21 So HaShem cast a deep sleep upon the Earthling; and, while the Earthling slept, G!d took one of his sides and closed up the flesh at that site.
23 And HaShem fashioned the side that had been taken from the Earthling into a woman, bringing her to the Earthling.
24 Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh.
וַיֹּ֙אמֶר֙ HaShem אֱלֹהִ֔ים לֹא־ט֛וֹב הֱי֥וֹת הָֽאָדָ֖ם לְבַדּ֑וֹ אֶֽעֱשֶׂה־לּ֥וֹ עֵ֖זֶר כְּנֶגְדּֽוֹ׃
…לֹֽא־מָצָ֥א עֵ֖זֶר כְּנֶגְדּֽוֹ׃
וַיַּפֵּל֩ HaShem אֱלֹהִ֧ים ׀ תַּרְדֵּמָ֛ה עַל־הָאָדָ֖ם וַיִּישָׁ֑ן וַיִּקַּ֗ח אַחַת֙ מִצַּלְעֹתָ֔יו וַיִּסְגֹּ֥ר בָּשָׂ֖ר תַּחְתֶּֽנָּה׃
וַיִּ֩בֶן֩ HaShem אֱלֹהִ֧ים ׀ אֶֽת־הַצֵּלָ֛ע אֲשֶׁר־לָקַ֥ח מִן־הָֽאָדָ֖ם לְאִשָּׁ֑ה וַיְבִאֶ֖הָ אֶל־הָֽאָדָֽם׃
עַל־כֵּן֙ יַֽעֲזׇב־אִ֔ישׁ אֶת־אָבִ֖יו וְאֶת־אִמּ֑וֹ וְדָבַ֣ק בְּאִשְׁתּ֔וֹ וְהָי֖וּ לְבָשָׂ֥ר אֶחָֽד׃
Discussion Questions:
What is the difference between these two creation narratives?
How do these two different narratives contribute to our understanding of humanity? Our understanding of sexuality?
Is there one story you like better? Why/why not?
Negotiating Healthier Relationships
Source 3: Vocabulary
Haver/חָבֵר -
Hevrutah/חַבְרוּתָא -
Havurah/חבורה -
(n.) Hebrew word meaning friend, comrade, companion.
(n.) Hebrew word meaning friendship or fellowship. Refers to a traditional rabbinic approach to Talmudic study in which a small group of students (usually 2-5) analyze, discuss, and debate a shared text. The traditional phrase is to learn b'chevrutah ("in chevrutah"; i.e., in partnership); the word has come by metonymy to refer to the study partner as an individual, though it would more logically describe the pair.
[n.] Hebrew word meaning fellowship. Refers to a small group of like-minded Jews who assemble for the purposes of facilitating Shabbat and holiday prayer services, sharing communal experiences such as lifecycle events, or Jewish learning.
Discussion Questions:
Have you heard these words before? Which one(s)?
What does it mean that these words all come from the same shoresh (root)?
What attributes do you seek out in a Hever, a Hevrutah partner, or a Havura group? Are they the same or different?
“You are responsible for your Hevrutah’s learning!”
Source 4: Pirkei Avot 1:6
Joshua ben Perahih says: make for yourself a teacher, and aquire for yourself a friend, and develop a habit of judging the entirety of each person to carve out merit.
יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה אוֹמֵר, עֲשֵׂה לְךָ רַב, וּקְנֵה לְךָ חָבֵר, וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת
Source 5: The Connecticut Department of Developmental Services (DDS) Advocates' Corner
Communication and Sharing
The most important part of any healthy friendship or relationship is the ability to talk and listen to one another. Talking and listening helps people to:
Share their common interests
Share their feelings
Learn to listen
Know they are an important part of someone else’s life.
Respect and Trust
Healthy friendships and relationships also mean learning to respect and trust each other.
People respect each other for who they are.
People may disagree with each other. But with respect and trust, they can talk about how they feel and work things out.
People also should respect and trust themselves and their feelings so they can set boundaries and feel comfortable.
Source 6: Pirkei Avot 1:6
Love your fellow as yourself: I am HaShem
וְאָֽהַבְתָּ֥ לְרֵעֲךָ֖ כָּמ֑וֹךָ: אֲנִ֖י HaShem
Source 7: Mishnah Shabbat 31A:6
There was an incident involving one gentile who came before Shammai and said to Shammai: Convert me on condition that you teach me the entire Torah while I am standing on one foot. Shammai pushed him away with the builder’s cubit in his hand.
The same gentile came before Hillel. He converted him and said to him: That which is hateful to you do not do to your fellow; that is the entire Torah, and the rest is its interpretation. Go study.
שׁוּב מַעֲשֶׂה בְּגוֹי אֶחָד שֶׁבָּא לִפְנֵי שַׁמַּאי. אָמַר לוֹ: גַּיְּירֵנִי עַל מְנָת שֶׁתְּלַמְּדֵנִי כׇּל הַתּוֹרָה כּוּלָּהּ כְּשֶׁאֲנִי עוֹמֵד עַל רֶגֶל אַחַת! דְּחָפוֹ בְּאַמַּת הַבִּנְיָן שֶׁבְּיָדוֹ.
בָּא לִפְנֵי הִלֵּל, גַּיְירֵיהּ. אָמַר לוֹ: דַּעֲלָךְ סְנֵי לְחַבְרָךְ לָא תַּעֲבֵיד — זוֹ הִיא כׇּל הַתּוֹרָה כּוּלָּהּ, וְאִידַּךְ פֵּירוּשַׁהּ הוּא, זִיל גְּמוֹר.
Source 8: Love Languages
The premise of The 5 Love Languages™ book is quite simple: different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways. By learning to recognize these preferences in yourself and in your loved ones, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, connect more profoundly, and truly begin to grow closer.
Acts of Service - For these people, actions speak louder than words.
Receiving Gifts - For some people, receiving a heartfelt gift is what makes them feel most loved.
Quality Time - This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.
Words of Affirmation - This language uses words to affirm other people.
Physical Touch - To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate physical touch.
People grow closer when they choose to consistently speak each other’s love language.
Discussion Questions:
What attributes do each of these sources believe are the most important in finding a friend?
Compare the ancient sources with the modern ones. What are the similarities and what are the differences?
Do you think that all of these attributes are specifically important to you? Which ones?
What did they leave out? Why might it not have been included?
Do you agree in general with the “Golden Rule” (treat others as you would like to be treated)?
How does the Golden Rule fit in with the theory of the 5 love languages?